NFL Week 7 Recap

The title of this post was up for debate as I initially wanted to title it NFL WEAK 7 RECRAP. This weekend’s games were beyond awful. The schedule was bad, the play was bad, my predictions were bad and the list goes on an on. Normally I would start with the week’s best performances, but they were so few and far between that it forces me to work from the bottom of the ladder, onwards and upwards. I decided that the games put me in such a bitter mood that I had to make myself smile and laugh by handing out some kind of  homage to these teams. These games conjured up analogies in my head and I felt compelled to drop them here at The Bean.

My Weak 7 NFL Re-Crap… Feed Em Beans List

Gross Interceptions of the 3rd Kind

The Raiders were in a pinch with the Jason Campbell, broken collarbone injury and rushed out to trade for Carson Palmer. Palmer who had only a few days to prepare, started the game on the bench for the Raidahs and the QB position was left in the hands of Kyle Boller, hahahaha. Boller if you didn’t know before is horrendous and continued to impersonate his best Shane Falco (yes Keanu Reeves in The Replacements) during the first half. He managed to throw 3 INTs on the game and at one point was a stellar 4-4 in attempts. Two of those completions, of course, went to KC Chiefs defenders.

Not to be outdone was supposed savior Carson Palmer. He too, threw for a staggering 3INTs on 21 attempts and registered a QB rating of 17.3 which is the average age of graduating High School seniors, most of whom could’ve out-played both of these QBs this week.. Pretty awful. About the only player that didn’t record an interception in this game was Manny Ramirez, which if he were in the game undoubtedly would have had one. After all how can we forget this amazing INT of a Johnny Damon throw, who ironically enough has a better arm than Kyle Boller.

Tron Disc Wars?

Ah yes the Disc Wars from Tron. Now, who do you think resembled the losing combatants from the Tron: Legacy disc wars battle scenes? The look of utter surprise on Sam’s face as laser discs screamed past his jaw-dropped face. Causing him to dive recklessly in the hopes that nothing, well you know, actually hits him.

If you haven’t figured it out by now the losing combatants are the Indianapolis Colts secondary and Drew Brees is the laser throwing assassin. The Colts defense yielded an astounding 62 points, 35 of which came threw the air and allowed Brees to have a near perfect day. He amassed 325 yards passing with 5TDS and completed 31 of 35 passes and had a passer rating of 144.9, OUCH. I am still not sure when the Colts organization will realize that Caldwell isn’t a good coach and that they have been paying him to ride Peyton Manning’s coat-tails for far too long.

Tennessee Tecmo Award

Arian Foster sure did make the Titans look bad this week. He torched them for 234 yards of total offense. Foster led the Texans with 119 yards rushing and 2 TDS and then tacked on another 114 yards receiving and another TD. The Texans also accumulated 38 minutes in the Time of Possession column, wiping out roughly 62 % of the game with the ball. So what video dedication do they get honored with this week? Yes, the Bo Jackson Tecmo Bowl, can’t get the ball back, run out the whole quarter and you can never stop him, 99 yard run for a TD award.

Soundtrack of the Weak 7, 2011

The Seattle Seahawks and Baltimore Ravens both had some hideous offensive performances this week that were, dare I say offensive. The Seahawks totaled a mere 137 yards of total offense, had the ball for only 17 minutes of the 60 minute game. They turned the ball over twice and to make matters worse had two field-goals blocked by the same player.

Feeling bad about the Seahawks odiferous(Charles Barkley-ism) performance, the Baltimore Ravens decided they would force viewers over to the World Series game and make Ravens’s bettors virtually throw-up in their own mouths. Their opponents, the Jacksonville Jaguars didn’t fare much better in this game. Between the two teams they gained a total of 351 yards, only 26 yards more than Drew Brees in the Colts vs Saints game. Arian Foster himself, nearly out-gained both the Ravens (146 yds) and the aforementioned Seahawks (137 yds) this week. They also managed to fumble the ball around as if they were starring in their own personal Unnecessary Roughness movie.  I initially wanted to have the sounds of the Bad News Bears bloopers practice classical composition from the French opera, Carmen by Georges Bizet, but the performances were so sad that I decided on Adagio for Strings from the Platoon Movie Soundtrack instead. I suggest listening to this piece while watching some game highlights in mute. They match-up extremely well.

Jesus Christ Superstar Miracle in Miami

Look everybody is on the Tim Tebow bandwagon now, but the guy was lucky, plain and simple. He spent the first 55 minutes of the game throwing pies and blowing chances. The Broncos lit up the Miami Dolphins run defense for 176 yards on the ground and still hadn’t managed to score a point. I hadn’t seen that many ducks in a game since Nintendo released its first console and gave that damn Duck Hunt tragedy away as a parting gift, knowing damn well that you would inevitably be blowing on your cartridges and hitting the reset button so often that your thumb wore out. So, the Broncos won behind a miracle drive or two and an onsides kick recovery that received little fan fare. It’s as if someone was looking after Mr. Tebow for all of his faithful blessings to the sky. Well, let’s just hope nobody else in the universe needed prayers answered because there was definitely no resting on this Sabbath Day. In fact it seems, the big G.O.D. was working OT with Tebow.

Seriously fans of TT the Bronco, which is his male escort nickname at the Guys who throw like Girls club of America. This guy isn’t good, they played the “Suck for Luck”  Dolphins and needed a QB who spent the previous week pleading for help from his knees. Yes I know, I’m taking it a bit far, but I have had enough of the Tebow love affair. In fact, I say next Sunday we start a new drinking game for all football broadcasts. Whenever a football analyst pre-game, during the game or post-game praises Tebow or even mentions his name, everybody takes a shot of Evan Williams whiskey. The summer is over and Sunday Funday has turned into sitting on the couch and screaming at your TV. Why not add a little fun into the mix. Heck even the ladies could get involved. I say screw Tebow, I’m eating Tostitos and he’s eating beans, refried preferably.

Let’s hope with the Bills, Pats, Eagles, Bengals, Giants and 49ers back in action this week we can enjoy some fluidity to the games again so we have a reason to cheer and less reluctantly this time.

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Comments
10 Responses to “NFL Week 7 Recap”
  1. nsixx99 says:

    All I can say is OUCH, but well put. It was an ugly week and thank goodness the big boys are back this week. And P.S. I loved Duck Hunt, one of the greatest old school games!

  2. Mike Patton says:

    I have to say that in regards to Tebow, he isn’t the most sound guy, but he just finds ways to pull wins out. With that being said, he must get better in all aspects of his game in order to be a good QB in this league. Having great leadership skills can only take you so far.

  3. Jsportsfan says:

    Love the Tecmo Bowl video. I totally remember playing that. Bo was unstoppable!

  4. Nick says:

    I can’t really add anything other than it would be funny to see that pic of Tebow as a Dashboard Jesus figure in someone’s car.

  5. IanBlanchard says:

    Or a tattoo on someone’s forehead..

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